You're Not Alone
by sweeet-as-honey
Summary: Cal still doesn't know how to tell Ethan about their real mother - but Ethan knows there's something wrong and he's tired of waiting.
1. Chapter 1

_I've been wanting to write a story where Cal tells Ethan about their mum for ages - finally, I've had some ideas!_

* * *

Cal's vision was a blur. It was always sad to lose a patient, of course. He'd been lying all those times he'd walked out of Resus sand said he was fine.

But this was different. He was sad this time too, but not in the way any caring, empathic person would be when faced with death. This was more personal, even though he didn't think he'd ever seen the patient before. He felt something inside him stretching and breaking as he remembered the woman's son: admiring the strength which Cal knew he lacked, but his heart filled with the echoes of the man's grief

The patient was a woman with Huntington's who'd died of heart failure. It wasn't Cal's mother, but he knew that one day, it could be. One day, she might be the one lying there and Cal might be the one who had to call it.

Or Ethan… he might look at her and treat her and announce her death without even knowing.

He felt a hand on his shoulder. "Cal, are you all right?" It was Rita, who had seen him treating the patient and had probably seen a whole lot more too.

"I'm fine," said Cal, but he knew he wasn't fooling anyone. He stopped and leaned his forehead against the wall, letting the tears come. All he wanted was for someone to hold him and tell him everything was going to be okay.

But no-one could ever say that again and if they did, it wouldn't be true.

"Do you want me to get Ethan?" asked Rita. It was clear from her voice that she thought this was a good idea.

In some ways, Cal wished she would. It had felt so good that day when Ethan had held him and promised he wasn't alone, but it hadn't taken Cal long to realise he _was_ alone. Ethan couldn't support him if he didn't know what was wrong – and if he didn't know what was wrong, he wouldn't want to support him.

He felt Rita's hand on his back. "Why don't we take a break, Cal, and I'll make you a cup of tea?"

"No, I'm fine," Cal choked out. He sniffed hard and brushed his tears away. He knew a cup of tea wouldn't help. He also knew that if he gave Rita the chance, she would try to make him talk. The way he was feeling now: so helpless and alone and heartbroken, he might even end up telling her.

He knew he couldn't do that. It had been one thing to tell Charlie, but the next person he told could only be Ethan.

But how was he meant to do that? Even after weeks of soul-searching and agonising, he still didn't know.

He felt a hand on his shoulder. A hand he knew. A hand that, at this moment, he didn't want to feel.

"Cal, what is it?" said Ethan.

"Nothing," said Cal, wiping away more tears.

"We lost a patient," said Rita.

Cal closed his eyes and silently begged her not to give details. He couldn't let Ethan find out by guessing. It might be easier for Cal if he found out that way… but no. It couldn't happen like that.

Ethan let his hand slide from his shoulder to his arm as he moved around him. "I was about to have my break now anyway. Shall we go and have a chat?" His brown eyes met Cal's so gentle and concerned. So innocent.

"No!" Cal shook his arm off. He couldn't do it. Not now. He was stupid and selfish and a coward, but he'd always known that. Everybody knew it.

Cal did the one thing he always did. He turned and ran. He heard Ethan calling after him, first with concern, then with something like annoyance, but he didn't stop until he found himself in front of the lifts. He jabbed the button desperately, with no idea of where he was going, but that didn't seem to matter now. He just needed to get away from Ethan.

Away from Ethan; away from himself; away from life…

He heard the sound of the lift descending, silently praying that Ethan was too annoyed to follow him – yet at the same time wishing Ethan was there because he couldn't do this anymore. He couldn't deal with the secrets; the lies; the fact that even Charlie's support was now laced with a warning that he might be forced to tell Ethan if Cal wouldn't.

But he couldn't tell him.

At last, the lift doors slid open. Cal rushed inside and poked blindly at the buttons, not knowing or caring where he was asking the lift to take him. He felt his legs giving way and let himself sink to the floor. If anyone else was waiting when the lift doors re-opened, they would get a bit of a surprise to see Dr Knight sitting there in floods of tears, but he didn't care. He was beyond caring. He just wanted it all to stop.

With relief, he heard the lift doors beginning to close, but then the sound stopped and they opened again. Someone stepped into the lift. "Cal, why can't you just tell me what's wrong? Whatever it is, you obviously can't manage it alone…"

"Go away!" Cal sobbed into his knees, much as he'd done as a child when he'd started to consider himself too big to be comforted by his little brother.

"I'm not going anywhere," said Ethan, and Cal could tell from the sound of his voice that he meant it.

The lift doors had closed again and the lift was moving slowly upwards. Cal knew that he needed to stand up so he would be ready to run when the lift finally stopped, but he didn't move and the lift travelled on.

Then he suddenly felt it jolt and looked up to see that Ethan had stopped the lift. He'd done that once before. He'd stopped the lift to let Cal cry, but he'd made no attempt to offer comfort or a listening ear. He'd just stood and watched and waited.

"Caleb," said Ethan, his voice steady, but Cal could sense the emotion behind it. "Caleb, I know there's something wrong and I need you to tell me. Now. I'm not starting the lift again until you have. If you sit there in silence, I'll stand here in silence. Neither of us are going anywhere till I know."

Cal let his head fall back onto his knees. "It's just Matilda."

"No, I don't think it is Matilda," said Ethan. "I think if it was Matilda, you'd have come to me before now."

"No, I wouldn't!" said Cal, but he knew he wasn't fooling Ethan. "Ethan, you can't do this. What if someone needs to use the lift? What if a patient needs to be moved urgently?"

He saw a flicker of indecision flicker across Ethan's face as he realised the truth of this, but a moment later, the determination was back. "There are other lifts, Cal. There are other ways."

"But I can't tell you!" sobbed Cal. "Don't you think I'd have told you if I could?"

"No," said Ethan simply.

The fact he was probably right only made Cal cried harder. "Don't make me do this, Ethan. Please. I'll tell you another time. I'll tell you when I'm calmer."

"Fine," said Ethan. "We'll sit here and hold up the lift until you're calmer." Frustration crept into Ethan's voice. "I know what you're like, Cal. I know that if I give you the chance, you'll run away because that's what you've always done. But I'm not going to let that happen this time. You are going to tell me?"

"And if I don't?" whispered Cal, through more tears.

"I'm sorry, Cal. You really don't have a choice," said Ethan.


	2. Chapter 2

**Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I completely agree about saints! Even Ethan has flaws. I'm fairly confident Cal will tell Ethan as I don't think Ethan will let him out otherwise, but stories do sometimes change themselves without asking the writer!

 **ETWentHome** , that was one reason why I couldn't think of any ideas - it would need to be something pretty big to get Cal into the right frame of mind to tell Ethan. But here, Ethan forces the issue. Thank you for your review - I'm glad you like the idea.

 **CBloom2** , Chapter 2 is ready, Chapter 3 is written (though needs editing), Chapter 4 is started... my plan is for a chapter a day so I really hope you stay hooked! You'll have to wait and see what Ethan's reaction is! Thank you for your review.

 **LittleBritishPerson** , I feel a bit guilty for stealing the lift idea, but I can see Ethan realising he missed his chance before and wanting to try the same thing again if he had the chance. Thank you for your review - I hope you enjoy Chapter 2.

 **X-Sammii-X** , thank you for your review - I'm really glad you're enjoying it so far. I have some idea of where I'm going to take it, but sometimes my stories go off in a different direction, so even I'm not sure what will happen!

 **Gillian Kearney Fan** , it is really hard for Cal. I'm kind of hoping Ethan will understand that and not be too angry... though on the other hand, angry Ethan means lots of drama! I hope he will tell Ethan as Ethan needs to know! Thank you for your review.

* * *

Ethan had always hated seeing his brother cry.

To see his big brother - always so confident and (as he'd once thought) brave - reduced to tears had always wrung his heart. It was the same now, but he knew he couldn't give in to Cal's pleas and let him go. Something terrible had happened to Cal and he needed Ethan. And Ethan was going to be there for him.

He looked at his brother again. Cal's face was hidden in his hands now and he was crying as though he would never stop. Ethan felt the smallest sliver of fear, but he pushed it away. He knew that anything that had upset Cal this much would be serious and painful, but he'd just have to deal with it. Cal needed him to be the strong one – and Ethan knew that was something he could do.

With a sigh of sadness, he stepped away from the controls and sat down beside Cal, putting his arm around him. "Cal, do you remember when I told you you weren't alone?"

Cal sniffled and nodded his head.

"I meant it," said Ethan. "And I'm saying the same thing now. You're not alone; I'm right here – and whatever's happened, you can tell me and I'll support you. I'll do everything I can to help. You're my brother, Cal, and I care about you. If ever there's anything wrong, then I want to be here."

Cal sniffed again. "I just don't know if I can tell you."

"Of course you can," said Ethan. "There's nothing you can't tell me."

Cal lifted his head as more tears fell. "I don't know what to do, Ethan."

"Just tell me," said Ethan. "Start from the beginning and keep going until you get to the end."

"You'll hate me," wept Cal.

Ethan felt a stab of foreboding, but he tried to keep it hidden as he stroked Cal's shoulder. "I've hated you before, Cal. I've always changed my mind. If necessary, I can change my mind again. I'm sorry, Cal, but I really must insist. I can tell there's something wrong, and whatever it is, you can't deal with it on your own. But you don't have to. You're going to tell me."

There was a pleading expression in Cal's eyes as he looked at Ethan, but then he seemed to realise that Ethan wasn't budging. His mouth trembled and another tear fell. Cal wiped it away and sniffled.

"I'm here, Cal," said Ethan. "I'm not going anywhere."

"Ethan…" Cal's voice was choked. "I don't want to hurt you."

Ethan felt his heart speed up. For a moment, he considered letting Cal go. Ethan didn't want to be hurt. He'd been through so much recently. He didn't know if he could take any more emotion; he couldn't bear the thought that Cal's problem might in some way be his fault.

 _It must be_ , thought Ethan. Even if he hadn't caused it. he must have done something to make Cal feel he couldn't confide in him. Cal needed him so much and Ethan had somehow, without meaning to, pushed him away.

It was a horrible thought. It twisted his heart and brought him close to tears, but he knew he couldn't give into his emotions. Not now. He would just have to do his best and hope it was good enough.

And if it wasn't…

After all, his best mostly hadn't been good enough recently.

"Ethan?" said Cal. His voice was anxious.

Ethan released a breath and tightened his hold of Cal's shoulder. "I know you don't want to hurt me. But sometimes you don't have a choice about things like that. Some things have to be said. Keeping quiet only makes it worse."

"Yes," said Cal. "It does. Ethan, I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," said Ethan. "Just be honest." He looked into Cal's eyes. "Okay?"

Cal nodded uncertainly and turned away from Ethan, his eyes on the lift doors. "I don't know where to start."

"The beginning," said Ethan. "Tell me where you are and what you were doing when you first realised there was a problem."

The direct instructions seemed to calm Cal a little bit. Not much, but perhaps enough. "It started when I got the result of the paternity test."

Ethan knew he hadn't hidden his surprise. At first, he'd believed the had believed the problem was Matilda, but he'd long ago changed his mind about that.

"The results had my blood group on it," said Cal.

Ethan looked at Cal for a moment. He could see there was something deeply significant in those words, but he couldn't see what it was. "What is your blood group?" he said at last, when Cal remained silent, apparently examining the floor of the lift.

Cal looked agonised, then apologetic. "My blood group is O."

Ethan waited, but Cal said nothing. "...and?" said Ethan at last.

"Don't you get it?" said Cal.

Ethan shook his head. "Why don't you tell me?"

"Well, don't you know what…" Cal stopped. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut and pressed his hands together.

Ethan could feel he was shaking. Cal's breathing had quickened and his eyes were shining with tears again. "Come on, Cal," said Ethan with a calmness he couldn't feel. He stroked Cal's back. "You can tell me."

Cal sniffed and wiped his nose on his scrubs.

Ethan didn't care. "What don't I know, Cal?"

"You don't know what blood group Mum's was," said Cal heavily.

"Of course I do," said Ethan, surprised. "Mum's blood group was…"

He stopped.

He felt as though he'd been hit or run over. He tried to breathe, but it was as though something was sitting on his chest. In that moment, if Cal had decided to re-start the lift and run through the doors at the next floor, Ethan could have done nothing.

His body seemed to have frozen, his arm around Cal.

"Are you sure there wasn't a mistake?" said Ethan at last.

Cal shook his head slowly. "I asked Charlie to repeat the test. I knew it was impossible. But the second test came out the same."

"But that means that you're… that we're not…" Ethan's eyes were full of tears too. He looked at Cal but couldn't really see him. Hardly knowing what he was doing, he removed his glasses, wiped his hands across his eyes and then put his glasses back on again.

"No, we are," said Cal quickly. "We are brothers, Ethan."

Ethan thought for a second that he meant it, but he dismissed that thought at once because how could Cal know? Only if Cal had done something about it, and Cal never did anything if he could help it.

He could only meant that they were brothers because they'd grown up together; shared their lives and their homes; gone through hell together. That was all Cal could mean.

"But that means we're… or at least that you're…" Ethan put his trembling hands to his head. "No. There must have been another mistake with the blood test. Why would Mum not tell us?"

Their roles seemed reversed now. All Ethan wanted was reassurance from his brother. He would give anything for Cal to laugh and say he was joking.

He must be joking. Their mother was their mother. It couldn't be any other way.

"If it was true, she would have told us," said Ethan, but he spoke without certainty because he couldn't be sure of anything anymore.

Cal looked at him sadly and gave a helpless shrug. "I'm sorry, Ethan."

Ethan felt himself beginning to panic. He forced himself to breathe. "Cal, who am I?"

"You're Ethan Hardy," said Cal. "You're the same person you always were. My little brother."

Ethan knew that, in a way, he was right. He was still a doctor at Holby ED. He was still (in a way) Cal's brother. He still loved walking holidays and industry conferences. He still thought Cal was the most annoying brother in the world. He still thought Cal was the only brother he could ever want.

But he felt lost. Changed. Different.

He looked up at Cal, seeking reassurance but knowing it wouldn't come. "But why didn't she tell us, Cal?"

Cal looked sad too. Slowly, he lifted his hands and put his arms around Ethan. "I don't know, Ethan. And I don't know how we can ever know for sure."


	3. Chapter 3

**LittleBritishPerson** , thank you for your review. That's one of the saddest things about this. Cal keeps talking about getting answers, but they can't get any answers from Matilda. I'm glad you're enjoying this.

 **X-Sammii-X** , I hope they can stick together too, but there are still a couple of things Cal hasn't mentioned and I can't promise Ethan will react well... thank you for your review.

 **CBloom2** , thank you for your review - I'm really happy you're enjoying it. You don't have to wait any longer - here's my daily torture session for Cal and Ethan. Whom I really do love to bits!

 **ETWentHome** , thank you so much! That's really kind of you. Cal is very scared and he probably does have to finish the story... unless he can find a way of getting out of it. It does indeed get worse - and it's one shock on top of another for Ethan. Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you so much - that's an incredible compliment and if only I could! The writers do like to tease us. I was expecting hugs and revelations in the lift and we got neither - but I think they were right not to rush it. Thank you for your review.

 **tracys dream** , thank you for your review. The Casualty writers have written a couple of good 'stuck in the lift' scenes - Connie and Rita treating the patient whilst secretly wanting to kill each other was brilliant too! They're actually quite difficult to write, I've found.

 **Tanith Panic** , there's no reversing this moment. Not even Cal can pretend this didn't happen so what hope has his more realistic brother got? Thank you for your review - it really means so much.

 _Thank you to **tracys dream** and **casualtyfics24** for the follows and favourite._

* * *

Cal had expected Ethan to shout and scream and blame and hate him, but he hadn't done any of that so far.

It was probably because he was shocked. Cal had been shocked too. That was one reason why he hadn't told Ethan: because he'd had enough trouble dealing with his own emotions.

He felt Ethan's shoulders shaking and knew he was crying, though he made no sound. Cal held him more tightly, resting his head against Ethan's, seeking comfort as much as offering it. He wanted to tell Ethan it would be all right and he would support him, but he couldn't. He couldn't promise anything. There was too much he hadn't told Ethan.

The thought of telling Ethan terrified him more with every minute. If he was this upset over Cal's first revelation – though admittedly, he was probably calmer than Cal had been – what would be say when he knew everything?

He felt Ethan moving in his arms and loosened his hold. Ethan pulled away from him slowly and removed his glasses. There were tears on his cheeks and Cal remembered a time when wiping Ethan's tears away had been all that was needed to make it all better.

Ethan wiped his eyes and sniffed. "Okay. So… we're adopted. Mum lied to us." He sniffed again and his shoulders lifted as he held back a sob. "Oh, Cal, why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I thought you'd want answers," said Cal.

"Well, yes, of course I do," said Ethan. "But I wouldn't expect you to be able to provide them. How could you?"

The certainty in his voice threw Cal off-balance. He was so sure Ethan would expect answers. He'd told himself enough times. He'd told Charlie too.

But why had he thought that? Because he knew it was true?

Or because he'd desperately needed a reason not to tell Ethan?

Some of his emotions must have been clear on his face because Ethan's expression changed too. Cal saw hurt, shock, confusion, then suspicion. "Cal, are you sure that's why you didn't tell me?"

"Why else would it be?" snapped Cal, angrily partly because he knew Ethan had a point.

Ethan lifted his hands. "I don't want to upset you, Cal. I can see you're upset already. But I don't think you did this for me at all. You didn't want to believe it was true and you thought if you told me, that would make it more real. So you kept it to yourself. How long would you have kept it a secret for, Cal?"

Cal was silent as he realised Ethan had a point – but that didn't mean he was ready to admit it. "I wanted to protect you, Ethan!"

"Maybe that's what you told yourself," said Ethan. "But you really wanted to protect yourself." His voice held bitterness. "You wanted to hide from the truth. Just like you always do! Didn't you think I had the right to know about this, Cal? Do I really matter that little to you!"

"Of course you matter!" said Cal. He tried to take Ethan's hand, but his brother snatched it away – and maybe they were a bit too old for hand-holding. "You do matter to me, Ethan. Maybe some of what you said was true, but I do care. I care about you so much and I couldn't bear the thought of how much this was going to hurt you. I didn't want to make you feel what I was feeling every minute. It's true I wanted to hide, but some things you can't hide from. Not even if you're me. I tried to hide from it at first, but it just wouldn't go away. My mum isn't my mum." His eyes filled with tears. "But please don't think I don't care about you, Ethan. I do. I really do."

Ethan's expression remained critical, but then he sighed and nodded. "Okay. Maybe you did want to protect me. And I suppose I kind of want to hide too… but you're right. You can't hide from this and neither can I. If you're adopted, then I probably am too. Almost certainly. It's not unheard of to adopt a child under the mistaken belief that you can't conceive naturally, only to have a child later." His voice sounded small and childlike. "But it's more likely that I'm adopted too."

Cal knew this was his chance. This was when he should tell Ethan he _was_ adopted, but they were still brothers. And then he should go on to tell Ethan how he knew.

But then he had another idea. Maybe this was his way out. Ethan was already upset and in two minds about whether he wanted to know. Perhaps he could convince Ethan that he didn't want to know the truth. Then Ethan would let him out of the lift and they could get back to work or go home and things would continue as they were.

A little voice in the back of his mind – a voice that sounded like Charlie's – was whispering the words _Huntington's. Huntington's_. Over and over. But Cal closed his mind to it as he'd closed his mind to many things in his life.

"Ethan, it doesn't matter if you're adopted or not," said Cal. "You're still Mum's child. You're still my brother."

"But I want to know, Cal!" said Ethan. "You might have no curiosity about your past, but I want to know who my parents are. Who _I_ am."

"But doesn't it… doesn't it scare you?" said Cal.

"Oh God, yes!" said Ethan. "It scares me to death. I'm terrified of what I might find; terrified that it will change my feelings about Mum in some way and that's dangerous because she's gone and she can never explain why she did it. But I can't just leave things as they are. I have to know, Cal."

"Yes, but… this isn't something you should rush into," said Cal. "You need to think, Ethan. It's been a big shock – and finding out could lead to more shocks. Are you sure you're ready for this?"

Ethan shook his head. There was a smile on his face, but Cal knew it wasn't due to happiness, amusement, or any of the usual reasons. "Of course I'm not ready, Cal. How can I ever be ready? But my mum isn't my mum and my brother might not be my brother… this changes everything!"

His voice rose in agitation and Cal instinctively reached for him, one hand on each of Ethan's shoulders. "I know, Ethan. I know." He looked into Ethan's tear-filled eyes. "It messes with your head and suddenly you don't know where the floor is because the whole world has moved. But you really should give it a bit of time. You need to think about whether this is a can of worms you want to open."

"It's already open," said Ethan jerkily. He lifted his hand to wipe a tear.

"Yeah, maybe," said Cal in a panic. "But all I'm saying is: don't do anything yet. Give it a few days. A few weeks. Let yourself process it before you decide if it's a good idea or not. You're not in a good place to make a big decision like this."

"I'll never be in a good place until I know the truth." Ethan's voice shook. "Who was our mum, Cal? Why did she get rid of us? Why did Mum never tell us? I've got all these questions whirling around and it's too much."

"Oh, Ethan. I know." Cal put his arms around his brother. Ethan was unresponsive for a second or two, but then he wrapped his arms around Cal and held on tightly. "I knew you'd have questions, Ethan. That's why I wanted to know the answers."

Ethan gave a sob. "I just don't understand why she wouldn't tell us."

Cal rubbed circles on his back and tried to keep calm. He had to. Ethan needed him and it was time to be the big brother. Time to protect Ethan. Time to make sure he didn't get hurt. "Maybe it was because she knew it would make us feel like this and she wanted to spare us that? If it wasn't for Matilda, we might never have known."

"I know, but… we're doctors," said Ethan. "She must have known we'd know about blood groups. But that doesn't even matter. How could she know something this important about her sons' lives and not tell us? How could she hide something this big? If you know something like that about someone you're supposed to care for, you can't hide it. You just can't."

Cal was glad Ethan wasn't looking at him. He knew all his emotions were clear on his face.

"Cal, I love Mum so much," said Ethan unsteadily. "You know I do. But… to know she was capable of doing this…"

"Ethan…." Cal didn't know what to say. Whatever their mum was guilty of, he was guilty too, only more so. "Ethan, how about we go home now? Take a couple of days to think about this."

"I can't think. I don't know what to think!"

"I know," said Cal gently. "This is one reason why I'm asking you to wait – but listen, Ethan! None of this really changes who we are or who Mum was. Mum was an amazing woman who loved us more than anything. It doesn't matter if she gave birth to us or not. Maybe she made a few mistakes along the way – who doesn't? – but her love was real. Isn't that all that matters? She was a mother to us. She was there. She never gave up on us – not even on me." Cal looked pleadingly at his brother. "We don't need to do this, Ethan. We can let this go. Our mum was our mum. She might not have given birth to us, but she did everything else. Why tarnish her memory? Why can't we just accept her as our mum and leave it at that?"


	4. Chapter 4

**X-Sammii-X** , thank you so much. I'm really happy you enjoy my fanfics. I love writing about Cal and Ethan (well, you probably guessed that!) and it's amazing that you think I can actually write these incredible characters. Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , I'm sorry Cal omitted the truth, but I felt the same way as you - it's part of Cal's character to try and get out of it! But he won't get away with it for long. Ethan will find out everything. Thank you for your review - I'm so happy you like the story.

 **CBloom2** , yes, it is very difficult to imagine Ethan agreeing to leave it at that! But Cal always has to try. Thank you for your review - I'm glad you're enjoying the story.

 **tracys dream** , thank you for your review and your kind words - I'm so happy you like the story. I agree - Cal is making a mistake by trying to get out of telling Ethan because Ethan will find out!

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review. I'm glad you like the ending - although Cal is trying to wriggle out of telling Ethan, he has made some relevant points which I don't think he considered himself when he was in Ethan's position. I love that you can see the positives in what Cal is trying to do.

* * *

Ethan sat still as he thought about it. It was tempting, of course. He loved his adoptive mother and it did seem disloyal in some ways to look for his real mother when it had been Matilda who had loved, supported and looked after him.

He could understand, for once, what Cal was saying. Finding their real mum – or most likely mums – would be an emotional experience. It could bring them nothing but heartbreak. Their real mother – or mothers – hadn't wanted them when they were born and the chances were she – or they – wouldn't want Cal and Ethan in their lives now. They couldn't even be sure their mother was still alive – perhaps that was even why they'd been adopted: because they'd lost their mother when they were too young to remember her.

Perhaps Cal was right. Perhaps they should weld the lid back on this can of worms and try to forget about it.

But even as Ethan thought it, he knew he couldn't.

He looked at Cal and even without speaking, he must have managed to convey something. The hope in Cal's eyes faded, to be replaced by pain and fear so deep, Ethan could almost feel it.

Even in the midst of his emotion, he felt that was wrong. Why would Cal be hurt and frightened by Ethan's choice? It was true that, in finding out about himself, Ethan might find out about Cal too, but it seemed unlikely that his mother – that the elder Matilda – would adopt two boys from the same family. The odds would be against it. Cal would know that.

It was possible she'd adopted them both together. Perhaps she'd been able to look after Cal as a baby, but not long after Ethan was born, something had happened to prevent her from looking after her children. It could be death; serious illness or injury; the loss of a partner not long after Ethan was born. There were many possibilities. But most people who wanted to adopt a child wanted a baby. It was far more likely that Matilda had discovered she was unable to have children and had adopted first baby Cal from one family, then baby Ethan from another.

It was unlikely, therefore, that Ethan would learn anything about Cal in his quest to find his mother.

So why was Cal so frightened? Was it because knowing even about Ethan's past would make it too real?

Or was there still something Cal hadn't told him?

He didn't want to think that; that even now, Cal might be keeping secrets from him. But with Cal, that was always a possibility.

Ethan opened his mouth to ask, but then a thought came to him; a thought so obvious that he seized onto it with more relief than perhaps he should have done.

Cal didn't want to know because he wanted Ethan to be his brother.

Moved by this, Ethan took Cal's hands in his. His brother's eyes widened in surprise, but he didn't pull away, as Ethan had thought he might. There was guilt in this eyes, but that could mean either that he felt guilty for keeping the secret or that he felt guilty for telling him.

Ethan felt a rush of emotion, but he tried to speak calmly as he explained his point of view. "Cal, I know this has been a big shock for you. It's a shock for me too. I do respect your point of view absolutely and if you don't want to trace your biological mother, that's your decision."

Cal nodded but said nothing, a wary look in his eyes.

"But we've always thought differently about a lot of things and now is one of those times," went on Ethan. "Somewhere out there, I have a mother and I can't forget that. I know there's a chance that we are real brothers and that whatever I discover could affect you too, but the chances of that are very small - and now I know this about myself, I can't just stand by and do nothing. I know it's going to be emotional; I know I might be setting myself up for rejection; I know it might not give me any answers at all. But I have to do this, Cal. You're right that I'm perhaps not in the best frame of mind for making this decision, but tracing a relative takes time. By the time my mother has been found, I'll probably have had months to think about it. So I'm going to start the process now. If I change my mind, I can do that at any time."

Cal was shaking visibly. It took him a couple of attempts to speak. "You want to… meet her?" he said hoarsely.

Ethan felt a stab of fear at the thought, but his resolve didn't waver. He nodded. "Yes, I would."

Cal let his head fall into his hands.

"I understand it's difficult for you," said Ethan carefully. He put his hand on Cal's shoulder and squeezed it. "But you've known about this for a while: I know you have… do you honestly feel no curiosity about this at all?"

"Of course I do," whispered Cal. "But that doesn't mean…" He lifted his head. "Oh, Ethan. Ethan, I'm so sorry."

"For what?" said Ethan blankly, but then he realised. He'd almost realised before, but he'd pushed the thought away, perhaps because he was afraid of finding out that it was true. But there were many clues, if only he'd allowed himself to see them.

Cal's insistence that Ethan was his brother was odd under the circumstances. If he really meant that he saw Ethan as his brother because they'd grown up together, he would almost certainly have said that.

His desperation that Ethan shouldn't attempt to trace his real mother was also slightly surprising, even if you took into account Cal's apparent unwillingness to undertake a search himself. Cal had asked him not to try to find his mother, but he'd never at any stage asked what Ethan's blood group was or suggested that he should have it checked. He hadn't once said that Ethan might not be adopted. These were all things he might be expected to say if he really knew nothing, but he hadn't said them.

If there hadn't been so much else to distract Ethan, he would have realised before.

He sighed and let his head sink into his hands as he fought with his emotions. "Cal, there's more, isn't there?" His voice rose; the anger too great to be controlled. "You haven't told me everything! You're still holding something back."

Cal just looked at him, his eyes bleak. "I'm sorry."

"You've checked out all this already, haven't you?" spat Ethan. "Without even telling me! You already know I'm your biological brother."

"I told you, Ethan. I wanted to have answers…"

That sounded weaker every time Ethan heard it. "And I told _you_ , Cal. I don't think that was the real reason at all." The emotion caught in his throat: a mixture of anger and hurt that brought him close to tears. "I can't believe I actually thought you cared about me. This was all about you, just like everything else!" Ethan got to his feet and stormed over to the lift controls. "Do you know something, Cal? I don't care. I don't care anymore. I should have learned my lesson when you stole my money. I should have learned my lessons when you went off and left me to take care of Mum. You obviously didn't care about her, so why would you care about me? Why? I'm only your brother!"

He punched the lift controls so hard, his hand hurt, but he didn't care. He wanted to feel the pain. He punched it again and again and kept on until he felt Cal taking his hands, pulling him away and holding him behind his back as he struggled to free himself.

"Ethan! Ethan, don't do that. Please don't do that." Cal sounded like he was crying, but Ethan had no sympathy. Cal continued almost desperately: "If you must hit something, hit me! I'm the one who deserves it. I'll tell you everything. I promise you I'll tell you everything this time."

"Why should I believe you?" said Ethan.

"Because once I've told you," said Cal, "you'll know I didn't make it up."


	5. Chapter 5

**X-Sammii-X** , thank you for your review. I thought Ethan should guess some of what Cal was hiding from him so it wasn't just Cal making revelation after revelation - I'm really glad it worked! I hope you enjoy this chapter too.

 **20BlueRoses** , I think you'd probably feel cheated if I ended this story without Ethan knowing everything! You'd probably also feel cheated if Ethan took it well. I just hope you'll like where I'm going with this. Thank you for your review.

 **Gillian Kearney Fan** , that's a good point - it would be an interesting twist if Cal was trying to tell him and Ethan decided he wasn't going to listen anymore! That would be really difficult to write but very interesting. Thank you for your review.

 **tracys dream** , thank you for your review - I'm so glad you're enjoying it. There will probably be three or four more chapters after this one.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you so much! That's a massive compliment to say I'm doing justice to the scriptwriters' ideas. It does put the pressure on, but I'll keep trying my best. Thank you for your review.

* * *

It was a while before Ethan was calm. A while before he even relaxed, his body falling backwards against Cal's as he cried. Cal turned him around and held Ethan against his chest. "It's okay, Nibbles. It's okay. I know it's a big shock and I'm afraid there will be more shocks, but I'm here, okay?" He rubbed Ethan's back. "You cry as much as you need to."

Ethan cried for a little while, then he lifted his head from Cal's shoulder, sniffling. "I'm sorry, Cal. I didn't mean to do that."

"It's fine," said Cal, still hugging him. "You've still got a way to go before you catch me up. Shall we sit down?"

Ethan nodded and they sat down on the floor together, Cal's arm around Ethan's shoulders. Cal didn't doubt that Ethan would shake it off once he knew anything, but Cal would offer comfort for as long as Ethan was willing to accept it.

Ethan emptied all his pockets before finally wiping his nose on his sleeve. "Sorry. I haven't got a tissue."

Cal smiled comfortingly. "Since when do I care about things like that?"

Ethan tried to smile back. "At least Mum didn't see. She would have…" He stopped.

Cal recognised every single emotion that passed across his face as Ethan's world was rocked again.

"Is it like that every time?" said Ethan shakily. "You start to say something or you start to think something and then you remember she's not your real mum?"

Cal nodded sadly.

"Does it get easier?"

"Not yet," admitted Cal sadly. "But maybe it will be like when Mum died. At first, I just expected her to be there. I kept wanting to say things to her. I even drove to the nursing home. But eventually... you know."

"I'm surprised you knew the way to the nursing home," said Ethan, but then he shook his head. "I'm sorry, Cal. I shouldn't have said that."

Cal thought sadly that he probably deserved it. "I actually drove over there quite a lot. It's just I very rarely made it as far as the car park, never mind got out of the car."

"It was really difficult," allowed Ethan.

"I never did have your strength."

Ethan took Cal's hand in his. "Well, you've got it now. Because I'm here. Whatever the truth is about our biological mother, we're going to face it together. Okay?"

Cal couldn't look at him. It was one thing for Ethan to say that. He didn't know what Cal already knew. "Okay," he said, knowing Ethan wanted an answer.

Ethan wiped his eyes on his other sleeve. "You will tell me everything this time, won't you?"

Cal sighed and nodded. "Everything, Ethan."

"Then we'll be okay."

Even now, Cal was thinking of ways to get out telling Ethan the full story because that was what he always did. He realised that Ethan would have to know about the Huntington's now, but maybe Cal wouldn't have to admit that he already knew. Obviously, that would mean contacting Emilie and asking her to pretend she'd never met him, but she seemed like an understanding person.

But then reality intruded. Cal knew he had no way of knowing if she would agree. She was understanding, but that didn't mean she was prepared to be dishonest. It was one thing for her to conceal something upsetting from her adopted sons who might not know they were adopted; it was quite another to ask her to tell a lie to Ethan which she'd have to maintain for the rest of her life. It wasn't fair to ask her that.

He could only tell Ethan the truth. He would have to tell him he'd met Emilie already. He'd have to admit he'd known about her illness since Christmas Eve.

Cal closed his eyes and held Ethan's hand more tightly, trying to draw on some of his strength. He was going to need it.

They both would.

"So, obviously you've found out who she is," said Ethan slowly, as he released Cal's hand. "And you must have looked at the birth records if you know we're both her sons." He looked up at Cal with a mixture of wariness and curiosity. "So, what's her name?" A thought seemed to strike him. "Oh gosh: what are _our_ names?"

"Stephen and Michael," said Cal. This part of the truth was easy. "Her name's Emilie. With IE at the end. Emilie Groome. With an E. I actually don't know how Stephen is spelled."

"Michael Groome," said Ethan wonderingly. "Dr Michael Groome." He laughed a bit hysterically.

"I know," said Cal. He even smiled.

If only it could be like this forever. Laughing over the strange moments and never admitting the terrible ones.

But there was no way out. Cal had promised – and Ethan now knew enough to find Emilie for himself.

"How did you find out?" asked Ethan. "I thought it would take months." His expression darkened. "Oh God, Cal, please don't say you've known about it for… no, you couldn't have done. You only found out after the paternity test." He frowned. "All the same, that's a long time."

"I know," said Cal quietly. "I'm sorry, Ethan. I'm going to tell you everything now."

He only wished he had even the smallest amount of confidence that Ethan would still be speaking to him when he got to the end.

"How about we go home?" suggested Cal, and received a glare from Ethan. "I'm not saying that to put off telling you. It's just it might take a while and it's going to be pretty emotional. Maybe it's best if we come out of the lift so people can use it again. I promise I'll tell you as soon as we've got home – and this time, it will be everything."

There was suspicion on Ethan's face, but then he nodded. "Perhaps you're right." He put his glasses on and went over to the lift controls. "Cal, how come the lift hasn't moved?" he said in sudden confusion. "I thought I started it up again."

"Well, you did give it a few good punches," said Cal. "If you hit it an even number of times, then it would be stopped. Unless you broke it."

"Oh my goodness: I hope I _didn't_ break it," said Ethan worriedly. "I'll pay for it to be fixed, of course, but it might be out of action for weeks."

Cal didn't care too much about the lift. All that mattered now was Ethan. "It's not your fault."

"It is." Ethan ran his hands through his hair. "I suppose I did go a bit crazy."

Cal's eyes held his. "You had every reason to go crazy." The trouble was, Cal was about to give him every reason to go crazy again. "But before you start stressing, how about you just press the button again and see if it works?"

Ethan stared at him for a moment, then his lips twitched just slightly in acknowledgement that Cal was being the sensible one for once. He pressed the button and a moment later, the lift moved upwards. Cal saw the relief on Ethan's face. When the lift stopped at the next floor, Ethan sent it down to the ground floor again.

The doors opened to reveal Charlie. "So, it's you two." His concerned gaze took in Cal's appearance, then Ethan's. "We thought the lift had broken."

"I'm sorry," said Ethan. "It was my fault. We needed to talk and I didn't want Cal to run away."

Charlie looked from Ethan to Cal and back again. "Have you finished talking?"

"Not yet," said Cal. "It could take a while, so I thought we should get out of the lift."

Charlie nodded. "I think you should both go home. It's not long till the end of your shifts anyway and I can see your heads aren't right for work. Off you go: I'll square it with Connie for you."

"Thank you," said Cal, with deep gratitude, and Charlie nodded, understanding. Ethan echoed Cal's words. They got changed in silence, then Cal drove them home. He still felt upset and wrung-out, but he knew Ethan was feeling much the same and he wanted to take responsibility for Ethan and be the big brother for once by driving home.

He knew he might never get the chance to be Ethan's big brother again.

Once they got to the flat, Cal offered Ethan tea, but Ethan shook his head, a reproving look on his face. "No more delays, Cal. Just tell me."


	6. Chapter 6

_Thank you for all the reviews - they made me so happy! I hope this doesn't seem disappointing after last night!_

 **Tato Potato** , thank you for your review. I love it when the brothers support each other too. It would be nice if that happened next Saturday - but I'm not too hopeful!

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. Last night's episode was so exciting! It's going to be difficult waiting six whole days for the next one.

 **X-Sammii-X** , I think their relationship is about to be severely tested onscreen - and I can't promise things will go too well in this story either! I'm glad you liked the way Ethan worked things out for himself. Thank you for your review.

 **Teeloganroryflan** , aw thank you so much! I think I might be in love with you after that comment! I really appreciate it and I hope I haven't just scared you away. Thank you for your review.

 **LittleBritishPerson** , I thought it would be best if Charlie found them as he wouldn't ask for explanations and definitely wouldn't try to interfere now Cal is finally doing what he needs to do! Yes, now is the time! Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , I'm sorry for making you emotional, but I am so thrilled and flattered something I wrote could do that! I really want Cal to comfort Ethan too, but I'm really not sure I'll be able to write it like that. Thank you for your review.

 **tracys dream** , thank you for your review. I wish we could both hug them! They both need a hug so badly.

 **CBloom2** , I hope it's not getting too frustrating. I don't want to draw it out too much, but Cal just won't tell him! Thank you for your review - I'm so glad you're enjoying it.

* * *

Cal stayed where he was for a moment, but then he slowly sank down onto the sofa. The look on his face terrified Ethan. He looked like something terrible was about to happen over which he had no control.

Ethan felt his stomach tighten with anxiety and he almost told Cal he wanted the tea after all, but he knew that wouldn't help. He needed to know what Cal hadn't told him and delaying the moment wouldn't make it any easier.

He thought that probably even Cal would agree with that now.

"So, how did you find out her name?" said Ethan. He was still quite confused about that. It was far too soon for Cal to have found out through the official channels.

Cal gave him another guilty glance and looked down into his lap. "Charlie found her for me."

"Charlie?" said Ethan, at first too surprised to feel any other emotion. Charlie wasn't the sort of person you associated with breaking the law. Or perhaps it was just Ethan who thought that. He did have a tendency to think the best in everyone apart from Cal.

But then it hit him. Charlie could only have done this if Cal had told him. And that meant…

"You told Charlie before you told me?" Ethan's voice was a hurt little whisper.

Cal hung his head. "I'm sorry, Ethan."

"But… but…" Ethan's eyes filled with tears.

Cal looked up, perhaps hearing the quiver in Ethan's voice. "Charlie was there when I realised my blood group wasn't compatible with Mum's. I knew I'd have to do the test again so I asked Charlie to do it."

"You told Charlie and not me," whispered Ethan.

"He was just there," said Cal helplessly. He put his hand on Ethan's back. "Come on. Don't cry. I had to tell someone. I couldn't have got access to the information otherwise."

Ethan felt a tear trickle down his cheek. He took his glasses off so he could wipe it away. "I suppose not. But I never thought you'd tell someone we know." He turned miserably to Cal, though he couldn't really see him. "Am I that unapproachable, Cal? Am I that... that _horrible_?"

Cal sounded like he might cry too. "Of course you're not horrible! You're not unapproachable either." He rubbed Ethan's back. "Why would you think that, Nibbles?"

"Because…" Ethan gave a little hiccupping sob. "Because I'm useless, Cal. I already know I'm a useless doctor. I used to be okay, but now, I miss everything. Patients die because I don't do my job properly. And now you… you're going through something really difficult on your own because I-I'm not the sort of person you can confide in."

"Ethan!" Cal put his arms around his weeping brother. "Ethan, you're not useless. You're not a useless doctor and you're not a useless brother. The only reason why I didn't tell you was because I knew you'd be upset and I didn't know what comfort I'd be able to offer if I didn't know all the facts."

"Really?" said Ethan doubtfully.

"Really!" said Cal. He held Ethan slightly away from him. "I know you've been going through a difficult time lately. The experiences you've had would upset any doctor – and believe me, it does happen to every doctor. You're a great doctor and a great brother and I promise you, it never even crossed my mind that you wouldn't be supportive. I knew you would be because that's the kind of guy you are." Cal broke eye contact for a moment. "I just wanted to be able to support you too."

Ethan was silent as he digested Cal's words. It did sound like he was telling the truth. He didn't think Cal would be that kind to him unless he meant it.

Unless, of course, he was paving the way for some even worse news.

Ethan tried to push the thought away. But he couldn't. He hated thinking negatively about his brother, but this was Cal and he knew what Cal was like. Every time he'd thought he'd peeled away the last layer of Cal's deception, there was another one underneath – and each one seemed to hurt a little bit more.

He sniffed and wiped his hands across his face. "Okay." He still wasn't sure if he believed Cal or not. After everything Ethan had done wrong recently, he didn't see how anyone could think he was a good doctor - but Cal had convinced himself of plenty of impossible things in the past. It was possible he believed it, even though it wasn't true.

Cal spoke again, his voice gentle. "The only reason I told Charlie was because I was obviously very upset and he wanted to know why. I actually didn't even think of asking him for help at that point. I was so shocked, I just blurted it out. If you'd come along at that moment, I'd definitely have told you. I was shocked and devastated and I needed some time to process it. Charlie helped me process it and then he offered to help. A lot of people owed him favours so he called them in and found out Emilie's name."

Ethan nodded. He still couldn't get away from the feeling that things were about to get worse, but it was possible he was wrong about that. Cal did sound like he was telling the truth, and Ethan couldn't really accuse him of anything when his only proof was a vague feeling of unease. "And they told Charlie our names too?"

There was the tiniest pause before Cal replied. "No. Actually, they didn't."

"Oh, I suppose you can look it up for yourself if you had that information," said Ethan, trying to ignore the fear that was spreading. In his heart; in his head; he could even feel it on his skin. "Anyone can go to the records office to look up a birth. It's all online too. Some of the information is even available for free. With an unusual spelling of the surname, you could probably put that in and there wouldn't be a ridiculous number of records to go through. You can probably even search by dates of birth. We were probably the only babies called Groome born on those days."

He was babbling. He knew he was babbling and he knew that what he was saying was wrong. That wasn't what had happened. He stopped speaking and took a moment to work it out, aware all the time that Cal was staring at him, an agonised expression on his face.

"Except you didn't do that, did you?" said Ethan. He was breathing hard. "You couldn't have done because you don't know how Stephen is spelled! Someone _told_ you."

Cal nodded his head weakly.

"Tell me the truth, Caleb!" said Ethan. His voice was shaking, but with anger this time. "I'm not going to say it for you. Look me in the eye and tell me."

Cal didn't look at him. "I…"

Ethan grabbed his shoulders. "Look at me!"

Cal's miserable eyes met his. "I met her, Ethan. I met Emilie. That's how I found out what our names were. She's… she's really nice. She hasn't forgotten us. I told her all about you and she was so pleased you were a doctor and doing well because she's always wondered about us. It actually wasn't even Emilie who told us our names: it was her carer! Doesn't that just prove how much she still cares about us? That she'd tell someone who was paid to look after her that-"

Cal stopped, his face turning pale.

"Carer?" said Ethan, in a quiet, dangerous voice. "Why does Emilie need a carer?" It wasn't the fact that she had a carer that bothered him. Their mother could theoretically be in her seventies – and plenty of people had carers, including young people. If their mother needed a carer, that was very sad, but from the look on Cal's face, there was a lot more to it than that.

Cal looked horror-struck. Guilty. And Ethan knew there was another secret to come.

Ethan raised his voice. "Just tell me, Caleb!"

"She… she… she has Huntington's," said Cal.


	7. Chapter 7

_I hope this chapter is okay. Charlie is in this quite a lot and I find him really difficult to write. It also wasn't easy writing Ethan's reaction - I wanted him to behave in a slightly OOC way, but not too much, if that makes sense._

 **X-Sammii-X** , I'm looking forward to the next episode too, but one episode doesn't usually continue immediately after the previous one, so I'm a bit worried there might be a time jump so we miss the good bit! It is a lot of shocks for Ethan - it was bad enough for Cal, and he had a lot more time to get used to each individual shock. Thank you for your review.

 **CBloom2** , I've never been accused of killing someone twice in two days before! I wonder if I can do it again today. More seriously, thank you for your review and your support with my stories - I do appreciate it.

 **Tato Potato** , thank you for your review. It's actually a really nice coincidence if it leads on from the episode as I wrote it before the episode was on, but either way, I'm so glad you like it.

 **tracys dream** , thank you for your review - I'm pleased you enjoyed the chapter so much. I hope you enjoy this one too.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for all your reviews. Poor lift... it's has a lot of mistreatment from Ethan lately. Their real names are much more typical of men their age, but I think they'll always be Cal and Ethan to me! I don't know if I'll write lots more, but there will be at least two more chapters. I never seem to make things painless for Ethan... I don't know why. Thank you for your review.

* * *

"Huntington's," said Ethan slowly. "Our mother has Huntington's."

He looked so calm. He sounded calm too. But Cal knew that wasn't how Ethan was feeling inside.

"Yes," said Cal, his voice catching slightly.

There was a long silence as Ethan looked at Cal, and Cal realised Ethan's eyes weren't so much calm as empty.

"You do know, of course," said Ethan, almost conversationally, "that when a mother has Huntington's, there's a 50% chance of passing it on to any child she has?"

Cal nodded, his eyes filling. "Ethan, I-"

Ethan cut him off. "And as Emilie has two children – us – there's a very high probability that one of us has inherited the gene?"

"Yes," whispered Cal.

"You knew _that_ ," said Ethan, ominously calm, "and you still didn't tell me? How long would it have taken you if I hadn't given you no choice?"

"I… I… I didn't know how to tell you!" burst out Cal. "And it was never the right time. I was upset at first. I couldn't do anything. You know I was barely keeping it together. I was in that car crash and three people died; then I lost Katya. I might have told you then, but you were so supportive and I just couldn't do that to you."

"How… thoughtful."

Cal felt his tears escaping. "Then after that, when I was finally starting to feel back to normal, _you_ started struggling. You lost a few patients. You made a couple of mistakes – such tiny mistakes, Ethan – but it really made you doubt yourself. Then you lost the suicidal patient… you were distraught. How could I land a bombshell like this on you?"

"Because you had to," said Ethan shortly. "Because you owed it to me to tell me the truth."

"I tried," said Cal brokenly. "I really did try."

Ethan looked at him without pity. "The thing is, Cal, I don't believe this was about me at all. You just didn't want the responsibility. It would be a bit of a first if you did! You couldn't tell me when you were upset because you were afraid I'd fall apart and you didn't want to have to deal with that. Not when you were wallowing in your own, selfish, self-indulgent misery, thinking yourself such a martyr for sparing me. Then, when I was struggling, you couldn't tell me then either. One more shock could make me fall apart completely and you didn't want to have to deal with that! That wouldn't fit into your lifeplan at all: comforting a devastated brother." His voice hardened. "And as for taking care of a brother with Huntington's… why worry about that when you could just bury your head in the sand?"

"No!" Cal held out a hand to him. "It wasn't like that, Ethan. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

Ethan stood up. "I'm going out."

"No, don't go!" Cal got up too and caught his arm. "Please don't go, Ethan. Stay. We need to talk about this."

Ethan removed Cal's hand from his arm and walked past him towards the door.

All Cal wanted was to run after him and stop him, but he knew he couldn't stop Ethan. Ethan was too strong and Cal was too weak. Cal felt his knees buckle and he sank to the floor, sobbing. "Ethan, please. Please don't go. I need you and you need me. You said you'd support me no matter what and I'm saying that too. If you have it, I'll support you."

Ethan picked up his keys, opened the door and went out. He slammed the door behind him, leaving Cal a sodden mess on the carpet.

* * *

He didn't know how long he lay there. At first, he did nothing but cry and leave Ethan tearful voicemails, but Ethan didn't reply and Cal soon gave up even on that.

When his tears finally dried, he lay there simply because he had no reason to stand up.

He just wanted Ethan to come home. if he hated Cal, fair enough. Cal could understand that. But he could deal with that as long as he knew Ethan was safe.

The relief when he got a text message was immense, but his heart sank again as he realised it was from Charlie.

 _Cal, if either of you needs anything at all, I'm still here for you._

Cal was close to tears again as he dialled Charlie's number. "Charlie, he's gone! I don't know what to do! You've got to get him back!"

"Cal, it's going to be all right." Charlie's voice was firm but kind. "Can you take a deep breath for me?"

"No! Just find Ethan!" pleaded Cal.

"We'll think about Ethan in a minute," said Charlie. "Just breathe for me, Cal. You know your brother better than anyone. We need you to think clearly so you can help us find him and for that, we need you to be calm."

"How can I be calm after what I've done to my brother?" wailed Cal.

Charlie's voice remained calm. "It was always going to be a shock for Ethan. No matter how gently you broke the news to him, it was going to be as much a shock for him as it was for you. But he can get through it with support and we're both here to support him."

"I'm scared, Charlie."

"Of course you are," said Charlie soothingly. "But he's your little brother and I know you can be brave for him. Can you take a couple of deep breaths for me? For Ethan?""

For Ethan... Cal slowly breathed in and out.

"That's good. Now, I want you to tell me again what's happened – slowly."

Cal wiped his eyes. "I told him, Charlie. About the Huntington's. He was so calm. He was angry with me – he said I was selfish and wallowing and all kinds of things I know are true – but he said it all so calmly. Then he said he was going out. I know I should have stopped him. But I sort of collapsed like the weak, pathetic guy I am and let him go!"

"I'm sorry he reacted like that," said Charlie. "But that might have happened no matter what you'd said. You know how upsetting it is to get a shock like that. The important thing is that he knows everything and there are no more secrets. You can both move forward now. Now, Cal, I want you to stay where you are and I'm going to come and pick you up."

"I'll come to the ED," said Cal.

"No: I don't think you're in any condition to drive and it would make sense to begin the search from your home as that's where you last saw Ethan."

Cal struggled to keep his tears back. "It's my fault, Charlie. I should never have let him go! He wanted to go; he told me not to follow him and… I let him go!"

"You did what you thought was best at the time," said Charlie. "That's all any of us can do, at any time. Sometimes we're going to get it wrong – there are times when everything is wrong - but we don't know yet that you have done the wrong thing for Ethan. Now, I need you to be strong, Cal. Ethan needs you to be strong – and I know you can be. Stay where you are and I'll be with you soon. Then we'll go out and look for him together."

* * *

Charlie disconnected the call and went straight to find Connie. She hadn't been very happy about Cal and Ethan having to leave early; he didn't doubt she'd greet the news of Charlie's imminent departure with equal enthusiasm.

But Cal and Ethan needed him. They didn't have anyone else. Charlie was the only person who knew. Even with Connie, Charlie hadn't gone further than saying that Cal and Ethan had serious, potentially life-changing personal problems and there was absolutely no way they could have continued to work.

He was almost at Connie's office when he heard the phone.

The red phone.

* * *

Cal had washed his face and managed to stop crying, but he still felt far from calm. He paced up and down the flat, his medical bag slung over his shoulder. He knew he probably wouldn't need it, but he didn't want to take any chances.

He'd promised Ethan he would be there no matter what and he wanted to be prepared for anything.

But he wasn't prepared. Not emotionally. Cal half-fell onto the sofa as his eyes flooded again. He was useless. He couldn't care for their m… for Matilda – for _either_ Matilda – and he wouldn't be able to care for Ethan if he had Huntington's. He would fall apart. Run away. Leave Ethan to fend for himself because that was what Cal always did.

He put his head in his hands and cried some more. There was nothing else he could do, after all. Nothing but wait for Charlie.

And then it came: the sound he'd been waiting for. The doorbell. Cal ran to answer it, almost tripping over the medical bag that he must have dropped without his realising.

"Charlie, I'm so glad-" began Cal, but then he stopped. "Charlie, what is it?"

Charlie put his hands on Cal's arms. "Cal, it's Ethan. He's alive, but he was involved in a car accident about five miles away: a number of cars were involved. I'll take you to the ED now and we can wait for him there. I'm so sorry, Cal."


	8. Chapter 8

_I'm sorry for the delay - I've had internet, family and injury problems, but I hope to make a few updates today, as well as starting a new story relating to Ethan's fear of heights. I'll also start catching up on reviews._

 **LittleBritishPerson** , I'm glad you weren't expecting it! I wanted the ending to be a bit of a shock. I think when Ethan is so shocked, he might do something uncharacteristic like getting drunk, but I didn't think of that! Thank you for your review.

 **Ta** **to Potato** , thank you for your review. I'm afraid I completely failed at updating 'soon', but I hope this chapter was worth waiting for. I'm looking forward to reading your updates and your new story.

 **Becs2202** , thank you for your review - I'm really happy you're still reading my stories! You're actually not the only person to wonder if Ethan was to blame, as you'll find out...

 **20BlueRoses** , I love your waffly reviews! I'm glad you enjoyed the last couple of chapters. Ethan knows Cal very well so I could imagine him guessing some of what Cal is telling him. I'm relieved that Ethan's reaction to the news worked! Thank you for your review.

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , thank you for your review. Poor Ethan - as if his day isn't bad enough already, I had to make it worse!

 **ETWentHome** , don't worry - I know you're busy at the moment. I'm just happy you're reading the story! Not that I want to scare you, but I'm glad Ethan did come across as being a little bit scary because I wanted him to scare Cal! Thank you for your review.

 **tracys dream** , thank you for your review - I'm pleased you liked it. I'm glad the chapter wasn't slow!

 **X-Sammii-X** , Ethan is one of the main reasons I watch Casualty as well, though the whole cast is gorgeous and I do love the medical procedures. Thank you for your review - I can't tell you yet if Ethan is going to be okay, but I hope you'll enjoy the chapter.

 **CBloom2** , after 'killing' you twice, I needed a new victim - Ethan was the perfect choice! There's something so emotionally-involving about a sweet man like Ethan being hurt. Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , it is important for writers to write about characters we care about - and that's exactly what we're doing! I think you could be right about questions being raised... More Charlie in this chapter. Thank you for your review.

 _Thank you to **20BlueRoses** for the follow._

* * *

Cal stood outside Resus, watching through tear-filled eyes. Doctors and nurses were scattered around Ethan, putting in lines, checking stats and examining injuries as Connie barked out instructions. Cal was sure he ought to be able to recognise everything the doctors and nurses were doing, but all he could think was that the man lying so still on the bed, covered in blood and drapes and bandages, was his little brother.

He felt Charlie's hands on his shoulders. "Come on, Cal. You've seen him now. Let's go to the staff room and wait there. As soon as there's any news, someone will come and tell us."

"No, I want to help! I've got to be there!" cried Cal. He pushed the doors open, but Charlie held him back.

"You know the rules, Cal. He's getting all the help he needs. Connie insisted on treating him herself, not because he's our most serious emergency but because he's Ethan. You know she'll do her best – and her best is better than most people can dream of."

Cal nodded impatiently. He knew how good Connie was, though he couldn't help thinking no doctor was good enough for his brother.

"But soon, Ethan will have received the treatment he needs and he'll be needing his brother's support," said Charlie inexorably. "That's where you come in. Until then, you need to come with me and conserve your strength so you can be there for Ethan when he needs you."

Cal swiped at a tear. "If he ever wants to speak to me again."

"Of course he will," said Charlie. "You've been through a lot, you and Ethan. I'm sure you can get through this as well."

Cal pressed his face against the door again. "Can't you go and help, Charlie?"

"They've got all the nursing staff they need. I'll just be in the way."

Cal turned to face him, tears streaming from his eyes. "But he's my brother, Charlie. He needs the best. You're the best. So I want him to have you."

Charlie patted his arm. "That's kind of you, Cal, but there's nothing I can do that Rita, Lofty and Robyn can't." He smiled. "The best thing I can do for Ethan is to sit with his brother and try to stop him from going crazy."

"I think I went crazy a long time ago."

"Then I'll stop you from going crazier. And standing here watching isn't going to help you or Ethan." Charlie gently led Cal away from Resus. "Let them do their jobs – and let me help get you ready to do yours."

* * *

Cal wondered if there was any use in praying. He felt so useless. All he could do was sit here. Waiting. Thinking. Or overthinking, in Cal's case.

"Why did he crash?" asked Cal in a soft voice when the question had been going round and round in his head for what felt like hours and the only possible answers he'd found were too terrifying to contemplate.

"I don't know, Cal," said Charlie gently. "I don't know anything that I haven't told you. But there's no reason to assume it was anything more than an accident."

Cal's throat was aching as he tried to fight back tears. "He was so upset, Charlie. What if…"

"No!" Charlie's voice was firm. "He might have been upset, but he's still Ethan. Ethan wouldn't give up like that. Even if he did want to… to hurt himself in some way, he wouldn't risk injuring anybody else."

"Not even if he was too upset to think straight?"

"Not even then," said Charlie. "If Ethan was too upset to think straight, the last thing he'd try to do is drive a car."

"I would, if I was upset," said Cal.

"But you're not Ethan," said Charlie.

Cal sighed. "Do you think, if I was more like Ethan, this wouldn't have happened?"

"I don't think that at all," said Charlie. "There are a lot of differences between you. As you say, you're more reckless than Ethan and I understand you even have completely different views on the correct use of a dining table. But it's the similarities between you that cause a lot of your problems. You're both so protective of each other. Ethan might think that, in your position, he would have told you the truth straight away, but I'm not so sure." Charlie looked at Cal for a moment, his gaze thoughtful. "Ethan has secrets too, you know. Perhaps I shouldn't say this, but did Ethan tell you he was thinking of quitting his job?"

Cal gasped. "What? No! Why would he…" Without realising he was going to do it, he grasped Charlie's arm. "Is it because he wants to get away from me?"

"Of course not. It's because he's had a bad couple of weeks," said Charlie. "He's lost a lot of patients, including a suicidal patient he tried to help but had to leave because he was overworked. He's very upset, as anyone would be. The problem isn't this hospital, of course. It's partly the NHS and its restrictions, but it's partly that this is a hospital and sad as it is, no hospital can't save everyone."

"I'm sure Ethan knows that," said Cal.

"Of course he does, but he doesn't want to believe it," said Charlie. "He's telling himself the problems happened because this is Holby City ED and that if he moves to another hospital, everything will be okay. He's running away: from the hospital and from the truth. Sound like anyone else we know?"

"But… but he wouldn't really go?" said Cal. "Would he?"

Charlie smiled kindly. "I don't think so. But that doesn't make his feelings of frustration and helplessness any less real. He's still got to work through them."

"If he'd told me," said Cal remorsefully; "if he's told me how bad it was, I would have helped him."

"Of course you would," said Charlie. "And if you'd told him about your blood group, Ethan would have helped you too. You're both adults, Cal. You you don't have to protect each other all the time. You don't have to pretend you're okay when you're not. You don't need to worry about your brother not being strong enough because he is."

Cal shook his head. "But you just told me he's going through something pretty major himself – and my problem is going to affect him too."

"Yes… but it's easier to share two problems than to go through one on your own. And you actually get rid of a problem that way too – the problem of having to pretend everything's okay. Of course, it's not that simple, but do you see my point?"

"But just because we're brothers, Charlie, that doesn't mean we're going to be close."

Charlie nodded in agreement. "Of course not. But you and Ethan… you've been through so much. You've hurt each other, but you're still here; still together. If that's not an indication of a strong relationship, I don't know what is."

"And you don't think…" Cal stopped. "Even if Ethan didn't… you know… he might still have caused the accident. If he lost control of… his hands…"

Understanding passed over Charlie's face. "It's very unlikely, Cal. He's very young to start getting the symptoms and we don't even know that he has the gene. He hasn't been showing any other symptoms, has he? Like irritability? Impulsiveness? Not recognising your needs?"

"All of those things," said Cal quietly. "Except for impulsiveness, but if he's considering quitting his job…"

Charlie smiled. "Okay. Is he more irritable than normal, or has he become irritable to an extent where the problems he's having at work might not be considered a reasonable trigger?"

Cal thought. "Probably not," he said at last. "He often is irritable when he's with me and the problems he's having would stress anyone out."

"Is he failing to recognise your needs more than usual?"

"I don't think so," admitted Cal. "or if he is, it's probably partly because because I won't tell him anything."

"There: you see?" said Charlie. "As for Ethan's impulsiveness, I do agree with you that it's not like him to think of quitting his job, but he didn't do it in response to one thing. It's lots of things, one after another. And when that happens – as I'm sure you know yourself – it's natural to start questioning why we do this job. We want to make a difference; to make people better. When we're clearly not doing that, we wonder why."

"Okay, maybe it's unlikely he's getting symptoms," said Cal. "But you can't say it's not impossible."

"No, it's not impossible," said Charlie. "But Cal, even you had told him weeks ago; even if Ethan had been tested and had been discovered to have the gene, that wouldn't mean that Ethan would never drive a car again. He's not going to shut down his life just because of something that's going to happen in the future. And car accidents are so much more common than Huntington's. Ethan's not a reckless driver, but he could easily have been sharing the road with one."

"But he wouldn't have been on that road if I hadn't upset him," said Cal.

"No, but that doesn't make it your fault," said Charlie. "It's just bad luck. No more than that. If you want to apportion blame, you could say it's my fault. I'm the one who told you to leave early. If you'd left on time, Ethan wouldn't have been on that stretch of road at that time. Or perhaps it's Ethan's fault, for making you confess something like that in the middle of work. If he'd waited till you were at home-"

"It's not Ethan's fault!" said Cal sharply.

"Of course it isn't, but you can blame anyone if you go back far enough," said Charlie. "It's bad luck, Cal. That's all it is. Even if it is the first symptom of Huntington's, it's still bad luck because neither you nor Ethan could have known it would happen today. But it's very, very unlikely that it was."

"Really?" said Cal, wanting desperately to believe him, but then, suddenly, it didn't matter anymore.

The staff room door had opened. Connie was there.


	9. Chapter 9

_Thank you so much for all the reviews - it's amazing to have so many._

 **Tato Potato** , thank you for your review. If there is good news, it would probably be a first for this story - I really have been very cruel to poor Ethan - again!

 **LittleBritishPerson** , I'm glad you liked Cal and Charlie's conversation. It wasn't one of the easier chapters! Cal and Charlie are very different, but Cal needs a father figure and I imagine Charlie wants to feel he's not a bad father figure. Thank you for your review.

 **Becs2202** , I'm glad you're still enjoying my stories! I have trouble with the reviewing part sometimes. Thank you for your review and I'm really glad I managed to capture some of Charlie's wisdom.

 **X-Sammii-X** , thank you for your review. Cal really loves Ethan a lot so I thought he'd want the best doctors and nurses to be with him. This whole mess would never have happened if Cal didn't love Ethan so much! I wish Ethan could see that.

 **CBloom2** , everything is fine now, but thank you for caring. There's not quite so much of a cliffie today - or perhaps there is: it depends on your point of view! I hope it's not quite as stressful as the others. Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review - I'm glad I'm keeping you guessing! Even though there's only a slight possibility, I thought it would be more than enough to frighten Cal to death! They do have a lot to talk about - let's hope they actually talk!

 **tracys dream** , thank you for your review - I'm so glad you enjoyed the chapter. More is on its way!

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , I hope Connie has good news too - if she has bad news, I've got an even bigger challenge than usual! Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , I know what you mean - some sad stories are just sad and there's nothing else to be got out of the story so it doesn't seem worth reading. Thank you for not putting me in that category! It is a nightmare and they haven't even begun to discuss it! Thank you for your review.

 _Thank you to **TVObsessedGirl28** for the follow and favourite._

* * *

Everything hurt.

Ethan's head ached. So did his shoulder and his leg. It was horrible and he knew immediately that his injuries were serious, but it was his heart that hurt the most.

Connie had told him he'd been in an accident, but he didn't remember it at all. He remembered being very angry with Cal and driving off, but he didn't know what he was doing on the stretch of road where he'd been found. Perhaps he didn't have a reason. Perhaps he'd just wanted to drive; to put distance between himself and Cal in some vain hope that it would make the truth less real.

He couldn't believe that his mother - that both his mothers - had concealed something so important from their children. It devastated him because he'd believed his mother - his _adoptive_ mother - was perfect. He had so many wonderful memories of the elder Matilda and now they would be forever tarnished.

 _"_ _Did it hurt when I was born, Mummy?" asked Ethan, as he sat on his mother's lap, her arms around him._

 _Matilda smiled and hugged him closer, kissing the top of his head. "I don't remember any pain, Ethan. All I remember is how I felt when I first held you in my arms. Nothing else matters." Her voice shook slightly with emotion. "It was so wonderful. A tiny little bundle in my arms; a little miracle of life and you were all mine… well, mine and Daddy's and Caleb's. You had such beautiful blue eyes… they didn't become an even more beautiful brown for a couple of months."_

There had been the first clue, if only Ethan had seen it. You wouldn't expect to notice a change in your baby's eye colour until six to nine months after birth. There might be some change after two months, but it was far more likely that Ethan hadn't been two months old.

 _"_ _Did you breastfeed or bottle-feed me and Caleb, Mummy?"_

 _"_ _I bottle-fed you," Matilda replied._

 _"_ _Why?" said Ethan. "Breast milk is much better for babies than bottle-fed because of the colostrum in the baby's first drink of milk, which helps develop the digestive tract, as well as the ideal mix of nutrients that can't be found in bottled milk. Breastfed babies also have a decreased risk of asthma and allergies and get fewer ear infections." Ethan had been interested in medicine from a very young age and the fact he wasn't completely sure what the digestive tract was didn't stop him from talking about it._

 _"_ _I… I couldn't breastfeed you and Caleb, Ethan," said Matilda. "I wasn't able to produce any milk."_

 _She looked a bit sad so Ethan hugged her. "Don't worry, Mummy. Me and Caleb still turned out perfect." He smiled mischievously. "Well,_ I _did anyway."_

 _Matilda hugged him back. "Yes, Ethan. You really did."_

Ethan felt tears on his cheeks and lifted a hand to wipe them away.

"Here, Ethan," said Rita soothingly, and gave him a tissue.

"Thank you," murmured Ethan, trying to drag his mind away from the happy memories. He couldn't think of them now. He was in pain and he was tired and all he wanted was for it all to have been a dream. He closed his eyes and tried to fight back a sob. "Rita?"

"Yes, sweetheart?" said Rita, stroking his good arm: the one that wasn't in a sling.

Ethan tried to blink away more tears. "Was the accident my fault?"

Rita's voice was gentle. "I'm afraid we don't know exactly what happened, Ethan. But I know you wouldn't deliberately cause a car accident. You're a very careful driver."

"But I-I've already caused one accident since I came to the ED," sniffled Ethan.

Rita spoke firmly. "No, Ethan. Look at me."

Ethan didn't have his glasses on, but he looked obediently in her direction.

"The first accident wasn't your fault and I'm sure the second wasn't either. You're a good driver, Ethan, and you're always very considerate of other people. Car accidents happen all the time. Sometimes it's another driver; sometimes it's a problem with one of the cars; sometimes it's just bad luck. I'm sure it wasn't your fault."

"But I was so angry with him," said Ethan.

"With who?"

"Cal," said Ethan. "He told me something. Something that affects my whole life. Something he's known about for ages. He only told me now because I trapped him in the lift and said I wouldn't let him out till he'd told me what was wrong."

Rita stroked his hand. "It's difficult breaking bad news. We have to do it several times a day and it never gets easier, but we get on with it because it's our job and because it's only our problem for the time they're in the ED. Then, however painful it was, we can usually switch off because that's what we've been trained to do. But breaking bad news to your brother is a bit more difficult than that."

"Of course, but he _had_ to tell me, Rita. I had the right to know. I _needed_ to know. But he didn't tell me. Not for months!"

"So he made a mistake," said Rita. "He made a big mistake and you're understandably upset."

Ethan closed his eyes against more tears. "I'm not just upset. I'm scared, Rita. Scared of what might happen. Scared of what could have happened. He only told me because I forced him. I just keep thinking: what if I hadn't? What if he'd never told me?" _What if I had no idea at all, until suddenly, I couldn't remember something? Or if I had a decision to make at work and I just couldn't do it. What if I became depressed or angry and I didn't know why? What if my hand shook when I was treating someone and I killed someone?_

"You don't know that he wouldn't have told you," said Rita. "Some people need time before they're ready to talk about a problem. At first, they won't even admit there's a problem. Then they hope it'll go away."

"Yes, that's Cal," said Ethan grimly, "but this isn't something that's going to go away – and he knows it!"

"Maybe he did," said Rita. "I don't know the situation so I can't judge. But Cal reacts with his emotions and emotions aren't logical. You can't judge Cal by the way you think you'd react because you're completely different in that respect – and if he's in a situation you've never been in, you can't be sure how you'd react either."

Ethan closed his eyes. "But I wouldn't… I'm sure I wouldn't… I would tell him... wouldn't I?"

In his weakened state, he was unable to fight his emotions and he was grateful when Rita just placed a hand on his shoulder and gave him a moment to cry. She said nothing until he started to stammer out apologies, but her voice cut across him firmly. "Don't apologise, Ethan. You have no reason to apologise." Then she gave him another tissue and went back to holding his shoulder until he'd got his tears fully under control.

He opened his mouth to apologise again, but the look Rita gave him was eloquent. Ethan gave a small smile and said nothing. Rita smiled back and squeezed his shoulder as Ethan's thoughts returned to his brother.

"Where's Cal?" he asked. "Is he here?"

Rita seemed surprised by the question. "Of course he's here. He came to see you in Resus, then he went off to the staff room with Charlie."

Ethan felt a stab of hurt as he heard Charlie's name. He knew Charlie had been been a big support for Cal, but he couldn't help wishing _he_ had someone to talk to. Someone who would listen to him and comfort him and help him do what he needed to do.

"Connie's gone to get him, so I'm sure he'll be here soon," said Rita.

Ethan sighed again. "If he hasn't run off."

Rita patted his arm. "Even if he has, I doubt Charlie would let him get very far." She looked at Ethan for a moment. "You do want to see him, don't you?"

"I don't know," said Ethan. "He's my big brother and I need him, but he hurt me so much. I'm really not sure I want to see him ever again."


	10. Chapter 10

_Thank you for all the support and kind comments about this story! There will be two more chapters after this one._

 **LittleBritishPerson** , I'm so glad you liked the flashbacks - they were fun to write. Don't worry: I won't be including the part where Ethan says they're not brothers anymore. That kind of thing is banned from my stories! Thank you for your review.

 **Tanith Panic** , I'm glad you like little Ethan! I don't think he's changed much, though Cal might not agree. It is sad that he's angry with Cal - perhaps it's as well he's in no condition to start a fight! Thank you for your review.

 **Gillian Kearney Fan** , thank you for your review. I agree with you that Ethan doesn't mean it - but he's angry, as you say, and probably terrified too! I'm really happy you liked the flashbacks.

 **X-Sammii-X** , thank you for your review. I love them when they're supporting each other too. Those TV writers are brilliant, but they're torturing us - Cal and Ethan need hugs! Though it won't happen in this chapter...

 **CBloom2** , Ethan does want to see him more than anything - I know he does! I just hope he realises before the end of the story or I'll get some very angry reviews! Thank you for your review.

 **tracys dream** , I hope Ethan does realise how much he needs Cal - on TV as well as in this story! Even if he takes every painkiller in the hospital, not all his hurts will go away. Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , I'm so glad you enjoyed the flashbacks - I've imagined lots of different versions of Ethan as a child, but I like the idea of him being intelligent and geeky - just as he is now! Thank you for your review.

* * *

Cal's first reaction was disbelief. He looked at Connie as though he could hardly believe it. "He's okay? He's really okay?"

"I think 'okay' is overstretching things a little," said Connie. "He's alive. He's stable. He's awake and talking, though he can't remember anything about the accident. But I'm not sure that someone with a head injury, a dislocated shoulder and a fractured leg can really be considered 'okay'."

"But he's alive?" said Cal.

"If I must repeat myself, then yes. He is alive," said Connie.

Cal moved on to his second reaction, which was to cry. Connie looked like she was going to have little patience with this reaction, but then, to his surprise, she sat beside him and spoke to the gentle voice that she sometimes used for patients.

"Cal, it's all right. I know it's been a terrible shock for you. If you need a couple of minutes, that's fine. I can wait." She stroked Cal's arm. "Ethan's going to need you to be as strong as possible and you're a good doctor so I know you're very capable of looking after people who are ill. There's no need to worry. You've got this."

"It's not that," sniffed Cal. "I'm just glad he's okay. Alive. Still Ethan."

"He'll always be Ethan," said Connie. She waited with unusual patience until Cal's tears had stopped. "Are you ready to go now?"

Cal nodded and got shakily to his feet and he walked towards Resus, flanked by Connie and Charlie. He was aware of Charlie shooting concerned glances at him and he could understand why. Charlie knew the full story.

Connie might not know what had preceded Ethan's accident, but Charlie did. Cal had accepted Charlie's point that the world was full of reckless drivers who could have caused Ethan's accident, but Cal was the reason Ethan had been there. He was the reason why there was even the smallest doubt of its being caused by another driver.

Cal was the person Ethan might hate - and Charlie knew it.

Cal stopped suddenly and Connie had moved several paces ahead of him before he realised. Charlie, however, was much more attuned to Cal's state of mine and went just one step ahead of him.

"I can't do this," said Cal, his eyes filling with tears again.

"Of course you can," said Charlie. "And you're going to."

"What's the problem?" asked Connie.

Cal wiped his hands across his eyes. "I can't see him."

There was a pause before Connie answered. "I've told you, Dr Knight. There's nothing seriously wrong with him. There's a gash on his forehead, but it's no more serious than the one you suffered a couple of weeks ago. His arm is in a sling and his leg is in plaster, but I'm sure it's nothing you haven't seen a hundred times before."

"Connie, it's a bit different when it's his brother," said Charlie.

"That's true, Charlie, but Cal, you've seen your brother in Resus," said Connie. "You've _treated_ him in Resus! That was a much more serious accident than this. Your nerves are understandable, but you mustn't let them take control."

More tears flowed down Cal's cheeks. "I can't. I just can't!" He turned and prepared to run, but Charlie caught Cal by the shoulders, his grip surprisingly strong.

"No, Cal. You're not going to run away this time. You've been running away for weeks and now it's time for it to stop. That's your brother in there and you need to be there for him. I'm not saying it's going to be easy. I'm sure it will be very upsetting. But however upsetting it is for you, don't you think it's going to be worse for your little brother, who's had a number of shocks today and finished up by having a car accident? Don't you think this is the time to push your feelings aside and be there for your little brother?"

"What if he hates me?" wept Cal.

"Then you accept that, but you don't give up," said Charlie. "Prove to him that he's wrong to hate you. Prove to him that you're a good man."

Cal continued to sob. "But I don't think I am, Charlie. I'm not a good man. I'm a coward."

"You're scared," said Charlie. "That's understandable. But being scared doesn't mean you can't face the thing that frightens you. And you're going to face it. I've been reticent for too long and so have you. It's time to do the right thing, Cal."

"But I've already done the right thing," sobbed Cal. "I told him the truth. And look what happened."

Charlie nodded. "What happened was very sad – and it could have been a lot worse. But you did the right thing in telling him."

Cal sniffed. "Then how can I do the right thing again now?"

"By offering him your support," said Charlie. "That's what he needs. He needs his big brother. He needs you to help him come to terms with what you've told him today. If he feels anger towards either of his mothers, reassure him that's okay after a shock like this. He's probably feeling so many things at once, just as you were. He needs to be able to talk about that. He needs someone to reassure him that what he's feeling is okay."

"Can't you talk to him?" said Cal desperately.

"Of course I can," said Charlie, much to his surprise. "I'm here for both of you. That hasn't changed."

Cal leaned back against the wall in relief. "So you can… go and see him now?"

"No!" said Charlie.

Cal jumped slightly at the volume of the nurse's voice.

Charlie's voice softened. "Cal, I know you're upset and I'm sorry, but you can't get out of this. Not this time. I will be there for you and support you and if Ethan needs a chat, he can come and talk to me. But I can't do this for you. You need to make amends with your brother and only you can do that. Let him see how much you care. Let him see how sorry you are. I can't do that for you – and knowing Ethan, I think it would mean nothing coming from me. It can only be you, Cal."

"But I'm scared!"

"We all get scared all the time," said Charlie. "It makes us human. I'm sure you get scared, don't you, Connie?"

Connie gave him an icy glare, but Charlie met it serenely, waiting for her reply.

"Oh, all right, Charlie," she muttered. "I get scared sometimes. But you don't know because I don't let anyone see. I don't let it stop me from doing what needs to be done. You were scared when you saved your brother, Dr Knight, but you knew it needed to be done and you made sure it was. I imagine you were scared when you were the one who was involved in a car accident. It's not being afraid that makes you a coward. It's allowing your fears to control you."

Cal shook his head. "I don't have the courage, Connie."

"Perhaps not," said Connie. "But sometimes, you need to find the courage because the other option is unthinkable. Even without knowing all the details, I think leaving your brother to face this alone is unthinkable. So go and see him now, please. What's the worst he's going to do? Ask you to leave? Well, it wouldn't be the first time. If he asks you to leave, you stay a little while, attempt to convince him, but if you can't persuade him, you respect his wishes – _and come back another time_." She took two slow, deliberate steps, then looked back at him over her shoulder. "Come with me, Dr Knight."

Cal stood, poised to fight or flight.

Charlie's hand curled around his arm. "It's time to fight, Cal. With yourself."

Cal wanted to run. He wanted to run and run and never come back. But Connie's gaze and Charlie's grip propelled him along and before he knew it, he was outside one of the private rooms.

"It'll be okay," said Charlie. "I'll be here waiting for you."

"I won't be," said Connie, "but you can be sure, if you do leave, that I will find out."

Her voice left Cal in no doubt that she meant it. He looked at Charlie and found him equally determined.

"Good luck, Dr Knight," said Connie.

Cal's stomach was knotted in fear, but he didn't run. He turned to the door and opened it slowly to see Ethan and Rita. Ethan's eyes were red and Rita was stroking his arm.

Cal stepped nervously into the room.


	11. Chapter 11

**tracys dream** , thank you for your review - I'm so glad you enjoyed the chapter. I like writing dialogue. I find it much easier than description, though I really need to do both!

 **Gillian Kearney Fan** , thank you for your review. I think you're right that it will take time for Ethan to forgive Cal properly, but I'm hoping for some sort of resolution by the end of the story.

 **Tanith Panic** , they are a great pair - as they actually proved in the last episode when they were searching for and rescuing Jill. I'm glad you liked Connie's and Charlie's contributions. Thank you for your review.

 **Tato Potato** , even though running away is very much in character for Cal, I think it will only delay the conversation rather than make things easier for either of them. Luckily, Connie and Charlie were there! Thank you for your review.

 **X-Sammii-X** , I love Connie, but she's really difficult to write as she has so many layers, so I'm really pleased you're happy with how I wrote her. Last week's episode was really sad - my story won't end like that! Thank you for your review.

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review - I'm glad you like Cal's mixed emotions and vulnerability. I love that side to his character. They are both very stubborn and they're both hurting so much already so you're right that Ethan could push Cal away.

 **ETWentHome** , thank you for your review and your kind words. I didn't think there was much chance of Cal seeing Ethan if Connie and Charlie weren't there to make sure he went into the room! I'm glad you liked the way the scene turned out.

 _Thank you to **xEmmaPevensiePendragonx** for the follow._

* * *

Cal looked red-eyed and nervous as he entered the room. "Hey, Nibbles. I mean Ethan."

Ethan tried to fight down his panic, but he couldn't. "Get out!" he shouted.

Then he saw the hurt look on Cal's face and burst into tears.

He knew Cal was hurting already. He didn't need Ethan making it worse. But Cal had messed with his life and his emotions and Ethan was so angry.

Rita put a hand on his good shoulder. "Come on, Ethan. There's no need for this. I know you have mixed feelings about seeing your brother, but why not have a chat to him and see how it goes? You don't have to talk to him for long. If it makes you feel worse, I'm sure he'll leave. Won't you, Cal?"

"Oh, yes, of course," said Cal, a little too quickly for Ethan's liking.

Ethan glared at him through his tears. "I bet you'd like that, wouldn't you? You'll get to run away just like you always do. Well, I'm not going to give you the satisfaction! You're going to stay here and we're going to talk!"

He regretted his words almost immediately. He wasn't sure he was ready to talk. But the words were out there in the open and there was no way Ethan could retract them.

"Okay," said Cal, a bit uncertainly.

Rita patted Ethan's hand. "I'll give you some privacy. If you need anything, you'll be able to press the button for help. I'll come back and check on you soon."

"Thanks, Rita," said Ethan, and watched her go. He didn't want to be alone with Cal, but this conversation was between the two of them. He didn't want anyone else to know what had happened.

Even now, he was protecting his brother, but Ethan hoped he was doing it for his own sake too.

Cal came closer. His eyes were brimming with tears. "Ethan, I'm so sorry. About everything. It's all my fault. I should have told you before."

"Yes, you should have done," said Ethan sharply. "I had the right to know, Caleb. And don't give me any about that twaddle about wanting to protecting me."

Cal smiled, though he still looked like he might cry. "Twaddle. Only you could say twaddle."

"Caleb, this is not the time to quibble about my vocabulary."

"No, I like it," said Cal. "It's… it's you. Twaddle. Quibble. Nibbles." He sat on the edge of the bed and stroked Ethan's hand.

Ethan wanted to tear it away, but he couldn't. Despite everything, it was comforting to have his hand held.

"Not that this is a delaying tactic, but how are you feeling?" said Cal.

Ethan looked at the blurry figure of his brother. The concern in his voice seemed genuine. "Physically, I feel like I've been hit by a truck, but that might actually be true." He tried to smile, but panic gripped him and he clung to his brother's hand. "I don't remember any of it, Cal. I don't know what I was doing there. I don't know if it was my fault…"

"Hey. It's okay." Cal wiped a tear from Ethan's face and held his hand tightly. "Of course it's not your fault. You would never deliberately cause an accident. No matter how upset you were with me, you'd never want anyone else to suffer. I know you, Ethan. I know you'd never do that."

"Really?" Ethan looked up at him and tried to remember the last time he'd wanted reassurance from Cal.

"Really." Cal stroked the back of Ethan's hand with his thumb. "I can understand why you're worried. It's natural to worry. It must be terrifying knowing that something that big happened to you and not being able to remember it. But I know you, so I know weren't responsible for what happened. I know you were driving carefully and I'm sure that soon, someone will confirm that. It's going to be all right, Ethan."

Ethan felt the threat of tears again. "Except that one of us probably has Huntington's…"

"I know, Ethan." Cal sounded tearful too. "I should have told you before now. I should have told you about the blood group right from the start. I was just so scared, Ethan. I knew you ought to know, but I didn't want to tell you I was adopted when I couldn't tell you if you were adopted too." He sighed. "That was a mistake, but I thought if i told you something for definite, that would be easier for you than uncertainty. You know, Ethan… driving down there to see her… all I wanted was for her to tell me you were her son too. That you were my brother."

Ethan caught his breath. He knew he shouldn't believe Cal. Cal would say anything. He couldn't even see Cal's face properly. He was about to ask Cal to give him his glasses, but something stopped him. Perhaps it might even be easier this way.

"That was all I wanted," Cal went on shakily. "To be your brother. But then I saw Emilie… and straight away I knew she had Huntington's. I was devastated, of course. Terrified of what my future might be. But the thing that terrified me most was that _you_ might have it. And at that moment, I didn't want you to be my brother. You probably won't believe me, but it's the only time I've ever wished that. I longed for you not to be my brother because then you'd be safe."

Ethan heard the emotion in his voice. He knew it might mean nothing. Cal's concerns might have been all for himself.

"But I am your brother?" said Ethan, and saw Cal's blurry head nod. "How did you find out?"

He saw Cal lift his hand and brush it under his eyes. "I found out she had two sons and that they'd gone to the same family. Together. So you were my brother and you might have Huntington's… but I couldn't tell you, Ethan. I hadn't even told you you might be adopted. But to spring this on you as well… I didn't know what to do. I didn't know where to start. I waited; I hoped that things might become clearer. Then I realised I was going to have to tell you – and I tried. There were a few times when I told you we needed to talk."

Ethan looked at him, confused. "Did you?"

"Yeah, but you were going through your own crisis by then, Ethan. I'm not making excuses. Just think about it. If you were getting ready to tell me something like that and then I went through something like you did with that suicidal patient, would you have told me? Or would you have waited?"

"You texted me…" remembered Ethan. "You said you wanted to talk. You never did tell me what it was."

Cal nodded. "There were a few times when I tried to tell you. But you were always upset. And that gave me the excuse to put off upsetting you even more. I promise you, Ethan. I'm not saying I didn't have selfish reasons too, but I didn't want you to go through what I was feeling. I wanted to make it easier for you. But I didn't. I made it worse."

Ethan sighed. He looked down at their joined hands.

"I'm sorry, Ethan. I haven't been the brother you deserve. I've just been a waste of space, as always." Cal's voice increased in intensity. "But it's going to be different now. I stepped up for Matilda. I can step up for you."

"Waste of space…" said Ethan softly.

He heard Cal draw in a painful-sounding breath. "I used to be, Ethan. Not anymore."

"Oh, Cal," said Ethan, his eyes so full of tears now that he couldn't see Cal at all. "I'm so sorry."

He felt Cal lifting his chin and the tears began to escape, running down Ethan's cheeks in a stream. "No, Ethan. You have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing."

Ethan gave a sob. "I accuse you of hiding things from me, but who can blame you after the way I treated you when you tried to confide in me?"

"Ethan?" Cal sounded genuinely surprised. "What are you talking about?" His fingers lightly brushed some of the tears from Ethan's face. "You've been the best brother in the world. No-one else could have put up with me like you did. I even stole your money… and I'm sorry, Ethan. I know I never said it before, but I'm so, so sorry. It was an unforgiveable thing to do, but you forgave me. Because that's the kind of person you are."

"No." Ethan swallowed another sob. "I-I accept your apology and I am grateful that you apologised properly at last, but it was a long time ago. So much has happened since then. To you. You thought you were a waste of space, Cal. You were depressed. I'm not sure you really came out of it till Matilda came into our lives."

"Perhaps not," agreed Cal in a soft voice. "But that wasn't your fault, Ethan. You didn't realise how bad it was."

"But I should have realised," said Ethan. "You tried talking to me. You tried explaining how you felt. But I just brushed you aside. When you failed your exam, I didn't support you. I just made up some stupid story to make you feel better. And it worked, till you found out I was lying. I have no excuses, or no good ones. I was just so happy to have Honey back, I put her first. I'm the one who should be apologising, Cal. For not being there for you. For making you feel like you couldn't confide in me." Ethan gripped Cal's arm. "I'm sorry, Cal. I'm sorry for not being there when you needed me. And I'm so sorry for blaming everything on you. I've made some big mistakes too and it's time I realised it."


	12. Chapter 12

_This is the last chapter. Thank you so much for all the reviews, follows and favourites - I really appreciate all the support and encouragement. I hope you all enjoy the last chapter. Thank you again._

 **Bonnie Sveen Fan** , 'twaddle' is quite an old-fashioned word, so I thought it would suit Ethan! Yes, a reconciliation is definitely what we all want! I'm keeping my fingers crossed, but I am getting quite worried... Thank you for your review.

 **ETWentHome** , I think Cal came very close to walking out when Ethan asked me to - I'm really happy that part worked. Yes, maybe it's a good thing Ethan is too badly injured to fight! We know what he's like... Thank you for your review.

 **X-Sammii-X** , sorry for making you cry. I really want Ethan to forgive Cal too - his methods aren't always correct, as you say, but he is almost always motivated by love and I wanted Ethan to realise that in this story. Thank you for your review.

 **Becs2202** , thank you for your review. Ethan definitely doesn't need to feel guilty so maybe Cal can talk him out of it. But you're right: the important thing is that they're talking! I hope the real writers have something good planned too, but I'm worried!

 **CBloom2** , that's a very sweet thing to say... thank you! The Casualty writers are so cruel to us (and to the boys) at the moment - I'm still devastated! - so all we can do is try to make up for it. Thank you for your review.

 **tracys dream** , thank you for your review - I'm so pleased you liked the chapter.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you for your review - I'm so happy you liked it. I definitely agree that reconciliation scenes are better than fight scenes!

 **20BlueRoses** , thank you for your review. I'm happy you liked Cal's accidental reverse psychology - that might have saved their relationship! I like your idea of Cal taking care of Ethan as he recovers - but they might have a little bit more to talk about first...

* * *

Cal shook his head and took Ethan's hand in both of his. "Don't you even think about that, Ethan. Maybe you didn't support me much, but you did enough to get me through it, and like you said, it was a long time ago. You thought I was being selfish like I always am and I probably was! But please don't worry about that anymore. I'm okay now and it's not important. We've got other things to think of now."

To his relief, Ethan nodded. "Yes. Yes, we do. But I am sorry, Cal. Please accept my apology for not being there."

"I don't think you've got anything to apologise for," said Cal, but then he saw the pleading look in Ethan's eyes. "Okay, Ethan. I accept your apology. I forgive you – and now I've forgotten all about it."

Ethan sniffed and gave a small smile. Cal squeezed his hand gently.

"I understand if you're still mad at me," said Cal. "Whatever you might or might not have done to support me, that doesn't make it okay for me to keep secrets from you."

Ethan sniffed again and more tears fell. "No. It wasn't okay. It upset me, Cal. It devastated me. It made me so angry. I'm not going to lie."

"I'm sorry," said Cal sadly.

"I know you are," said Ethan. "But do you know what made me angriest of all?"

There was a small, scared silence before Cal replied, his voice not much more than a whisper. "What?"

"The knowledge that, in your place, I might have done exactly the same thing," said Ethan. He closed his eyes for a moment. "Because I did, Cal. That's exactly what I did."

Cal frowned. "What? When?"

Ethan started sobbing. He couldn't speak.

Cal felt himself trembling, but he knew he had to support Ethan. He stroked his arm, probably a bit more roughly than he'd intended because his hand was shaking. "Take your time, Ethan. Take as long as you need. I'm not going anywhere."

Ethan controlled his sobs with an effort. "When I found out Mum's cancer was terminal, I was supposed to tell you straight away. I didn't."

"That's because you couldn't," said Cal. "You had so many things to organise. Care for Mum. Handing in your notice at your old job. Finding out exactly where I was. Booking a flight so you could tell me face to face. That wasn't something you could organise overnight."

"I know, but I-I put it off!" said Ethan miserably. "I tracked you down, but I didn't book the flight. I put it off for a whole week because I didn't think I could tell you without breaking down. I didn't want to cry in front of you."

Cal felt a stab of hurt, but he ignored it. Considering the relations between him and Ethan at that time, he couldn't blame his brother. The important thing was how he dealt with Ethan crying in front of him now.

Gently and carefully, he eased Ethan into an upright position and held his head against his shoulder. "It's okay, Ethan. It's okay. Taking a week: that's reasonable. I knew about the blood results for nearly three months. I met Emilie on Christmas Eve. A week is nothing in comparison with that."

Ethan sniffled. "After a week, Mum took a turn for the worse. She was asking for you. I knew I couldn't put it off any longer. I didn't want to leave her, but I knew she was only going to get sicker. So I found you and told you. But if that hadn't happened…"

Cal stroked Ethan's hair. "It's okay, Ethan. You told me. I was able to see her again – not as many times as I should have done, but that wasn't your fault. A week isn't really that long and I'm sure you would have told me soon after that anyway because that's the kind of guy you are."

"I can't be sure of that," whispered Ethan.

Cal held him more tightly, though he was very careful not to put pressure on Ethan's injured shoulder. "I'm sure of it. Completely sure. I know you're not going to stop worrying about it just because I told you it's fine, and you can talk about it as much as you need to. But I'm sure, Ethan." He carefully lowered Ethan back onto the bed. "You might make mistakes sometimes. You're human and you've been through some terrible experiences which you've mostly coped with alone. But in the end, you always try to do what's best for me."

"What: like when I ran out on you just when you've finally told me what you've been dealing with these past few months?" said Ethan.

"Hey, it's not like I've never done that," said Cal, and smiled affectionately at his little brother.

Ethan sniffed again and wiped his eyes. "I'm sorry for running off like that. I'm sorry for all the worry I put you through. And I promise I won't do it again. And I'm not just saying that because I've got a broken leg and I won't be running or driving for a while."

Cal nodded seriously. "Yeah, I've been thinking about that. You won't be able to work, but it's not going to be easy for you being alone in the flat all day. How about I take some time off too so I can take care of you?"

Ethan looked startled. "I'm sure I'll be okay."

"Yeah, I'm sure you will be," said Cal. "You're the real superhero, you know, Ethan. You're the one who can cope with anything the world throws at you. I'm sure a broken leg and a dislocated shoulder wouldn't stop you from looking after yourself. But that doesn't mean you have to do it alone. Why not let me look after you for a change?" Cal smiled a bit nervously. "I mean, it must be my turn to be the big brother. Why not give me a test run at least?"

Ethan looked at him for a moment, uncertainty in his eyes, but then his lips curved into a small smile. "Okay. I suppose we've got a lot of things to talk about anyway. We can talk while you're looking after me."

"That sounds really good," said Cal. He took Ethan's hand. "I know we haven't sorted everything yet. I know you're probably still mad at me. That's not going to disappear just because we've talked. But I hope that... eventually..."

"I don't know how I feel about everything at the moment," said Ethan. "But I'm glad we talked. I'm glad you didn't go away when I told you to."

Cal squeezed his hand. "Me too, Nibbles."

They stayed like that for a moment, holding hands, both grateful for each other's company; both offering silent support.

Then Ethan looked at his brother, his eyes wide and helpless. "So what now?"

"The first thing is getting you well enough to come home," said Cal. "Then I'll take you home and we'll see how things go. When you're ready, we should probably get tested. I know it's scary. I know there's a good chance we'll get bad news. But we do need to know."

"I agree," said Ethan, his voice slightly shaky, but the fear in his eyes was mingled with determination. "We'll have the tests done. Whatever the outcome, we'll support each other. And… and there's something else I need to do too."

"Name it and I'll sort it for you."

"I… I want to meet Emilie," said Ethan.

Cal was startled. "What? Are you… are you sure?"

Ethan nodded determinedly. "I'm sure. I'm not saying that because I'm not scared. I am and I bet you were too."

"I was terrified."

"Yes, exactly," said Ethan. "And I'm not saying it's going to be easy because it's not. She still gave us up and she didn't tell us she was ill." His eyes filled again. "And mum lied to us too."

Cal put his hand on Ethan's shoulder. "There's no hurry, you know. You should do this at your own pace."

Ethan shook his head. "I can't, Cal. I need to talk to her before she's too ill to talk to me. If it goes well, I need to spend as much time with her as possible because she's… she's one of my mums. We haven't got much time and I don't want to waste it."

Cal was still surprised, but he was smiling. "Then I'll take you to see her. As soon as you like." His smile became teasing. "As long as you don't mean today. I don't think Mrs Beauchamp will do let you do anything that involves moving from that bed." He paused. "Unless you'd like me to bring her here."

Ethan's eyes widened slightly at this thought, but he shook his head. "No. I'm not ready to do it yet and I'm probably not looking my best. I wouldn't want to scare her with all my cuts and bandages." He paused. "Maybe tomorrow?"

Cal started to laugh. "Tomorrow. Well, isn't that just typical of my little brother? Okay: if you feel up to it tomorrow, we'll check with Mrs Beauchamp, then if she agrees, I'll give Emilie a ring and check it's all right with her, then if it is, we'll go."

"That's a lot of ifs," commented Ethan.

"I know," said Cal. "I promise I'm not using delaying tactics. I want you to meet her too. But we've got to consider your health and hers. She's pretty sick, Ethan. But she's lovely. She's not Mum and she never will be – and there are a lot of things we need to talk about. But – if things go well - that doesn't mean she can't be family."

"I'm scared," admitted Ethan, with an embarrassed smile.

"Of course you are," said Cal. "But you're not going to be alone, Ethan. I'll be right here."


End file.
